"The Boys Are Not Alright "

Men...

Honestly, I do not even know if I can call some of us men anymore.

Too many of us walk into adulthood dragging childhood behind us. We grow older, but we never grow up. We carry the same selfishness, the same entitlement, the same need to dominate every room we enter.

And before anyone gets defensive, slow down.

If your first reaction is anger, ask yourself why.

For generations, women have been treated as property, possessions, trophies, servants, stepping stones, and objects of amusement. Sometimes that treatment shows itself in obvious horrors like assault, abuse, or violence. Sometimes it appears in quieter ways through disrespect, manipulation, entitlement, and the belief that a woman's purpose is to make a man's life easier.

If that is what qualifies someone as a "real man," then count me out.

I would rather stand beside my partner than stand over her.

I would rather speak up when the locker room talk starts.

I would rather challenge the gross jokes, the degrading comments, and the conversations that happen when people think no women are listening.

Because the truth is simple.

Being a man should mean being a defender, not an offender.

Yet everywhere I look, I see men hurting women and then acting shocked when women do not trust them. I see men demanding respect while showing very little of it themselves. I see men complaining about loneliness while refusing to examine the behaviors that push people away.

The problem is not that one group is inherently evil.

The problem is arrogance.

The belief that because you can control someone, you should.

That belief poisons everything it touches.

Here is a secret.

Women are not that hard to get along with.

My partner and I are not perfect. We disagree. We misunderstand each other. We frustrate each other sometimes.

But we talk… We learn… We adapt.

We share burdens.

I do not expect her to clean up after me like I am a child.

We clean our home together.

I do not expect her to carry the entire responsibility of raising our children.

We parent together.

Most mornings I am up at 5am, I make breakfast. I spend time with the kids. I take them to school.

Does she help?

Absolutely she does, but my partner also enjoys her sleep. 

Is she expected to do everything?

Absolutely not.

That is not partnership.

That is servitude.

A healthy relationship is not about assigning one person all the labor while the other enjoys the benefits.

It is about sharing responsibilities according to strengths, circumstances, and mutual respect.

She has things she is naturally better at.

I have things I am naturally better at.

Together we cover each other's weaknesses.

That is what a team does.

And while we are having uncomfortable conversations, let's talk about something else.

Women's health.

Far too many men dismiss what they do not understand.

My partner and I have spent years learning together. We talk openly about stress, hormones, emotional cycles, mental health, physical health, and how those things affect daily life.

You know what I discovered?

A lot of what men mock, dismiss, or complain about is actually someone else's pain.

The response should not be ridicule.

The response should be compassion.

And before men start calling women emotional, remember something.

Anger is an emotion.

Punching walls is emotional.

Screaming during arguments is emotional.

Throwing tantrums is emotional.

Violence is emotional.

Men have spent centuries pretending anger somehow does not count as an emotion while criticizing women for expressing theirs.

That double standard needs to go.

Now let me touch on something that usually makes people nervous.

When I say I am more open to matriarchal values than patriarchal ones, I am not talking about replacing male domination with female domination.

That is not the point...

The point is the operating system.

A patriarchal mindset often measures success by hierarchy, competition, conquest, wealth, and power. The strongest rise while everyone else is expected to fend for themselves.

A healthier matriarchal mindset begins somewhere different.

It asks...

How are the children doing?

How are the elderly doing?

How are families doing?

How are the struggling doing?

How are the sick doing?

How are the lonely doing?

The health of a society is measured not by how well the strongest survive, but by how well the most vulnerable are cared for.

In that vision, men still have a place.

A vital place.

Men receive support too.

Men go to therapy.

Men go to doctors.

Men ask for help before they break.

Men are allowed to be human.

Imagine how many lives could change if we stopped treating vulnerability like weakness.

Imagine how many relationships would improve if men learned emotional maturity instead of emotional suppression.

Imagine how many women would finally feel safe enough to breathe.

So I will leave my brothers with two questions.

Why are you afraid to try?..  and I mean Why are you afraid to listen, to learn, to apologize, to heal, to change?

And my second question... 

How much of the burden women carry today would disappear if men finally dealt with the wounds they keep handing to everyone else?

Because let's be honest.

Women have spent generations doing emotional labor for men who refused to do it for themselves.

Women have carried the weight of our anger.

Women have carried the consequences of our violence.

Women have carried our children, our homes, our fears, our insecurities, our expectations, and somehow we still have the audacity to call them weak.

Weak?

The women in my life are some of the strongest people I have ever known.

The question is not whether women are strong enough.

The question is whether men are brave enough...

Brave enough to admit they were wrong.

Brave enough to seek therapy.

Brave enough to cry.

Brave enough to apologize.

Brave enough to stop viewing partnership as surrender.

Brave enough to understand that respect is not something you demand.

It is something you demonstrate.

So Here's My Challenge…

Not to women.

To the men reading this.

For the next thirty days, stop trying to win every conversation.

Listen before you speak.

Ask the women in your life what burdens they carry.

Then actually listen to the answer.

Stop making excuses.

Stop calling basic life skills women's work.

Stop pretending emotional intelligence is weakness.

Talk to a trusted friends or join a support group.

Do something.

Because every wound you refuse to heal eventually gets carried by somebody else.

Usually the people you claim to love.

Stop waiting for women to fix the problems men refuse to face.

Do the work.

Heal… Grow… Learn.

Become the man you keep telling everyone you already are.

Stop being afraid... 

Joshua Mills/JoshM